The 5 Types of Single Women in NYC
Working one-on-one in a position where people regularly spill their guts to me and occasionally break down in tears during our one hour therapy-like sessions, I have learned quite a bit about men, women, and why they’re single - specifically women.
And while yes, there are women who are single as a preference, I eventually noticed a trend amongst women that were single for a reason. So in true High Fidelity fashion, here are the Top 5 Single Women in New York City.
1. The “Checklist” Woman
A year ago I had a very successful client. She was the CEO of her own company, well put together with above average looks, but she rarely got a second date. “What’s holding you back from getting what you want out of your dating life?” I routinely asked. “I know what I want and I meet guys that don’t fit what I’m looking for” she barked. With this particular client, I knew right away that men weren’t intimidated by her success, they were intimidated by her. Her style of questioning was interrogative and checklist-like; her questions, direct and cold-blooded. While her "I don't want to waste my time" mentality was understandable, it was hardly acceptable. Sadly, the reality is that even if you are looking for marriage and eventually kids, asking a guy directly on a FIRST date “Do you want kids? Do you see yourself married in the next two years?” is the equivalence of him asking you “Do you have sex on the first date? Are you wearing a thong?”
My point is, don’t try to fit someone into a box - get to know them organically and sans an agenda. I guarantee that you will get all of the answers you need in due time. Be patient.
2. Ms. Picky
I once had this Italian client that only wanted to date tall, Italian men. That’s funny because being 100% Italian myself, one would know that most Italian men are not tall.
This is one of the many ridiculous examples that stems from women saying that they “know what they want”. In fact, years ago when I worked in matchmaking, whenever we delivered everything a woman said she specifically wanted, it wasn’t enough - she always wanted more. Or worse, she would find something else to complain about like “He was totally my type lookswise, but he showed up to the date with a gym bag. It felt like he wasn’t taking the date seriously”.
The short of it: deal breakers are deal breakers. I would never suggest settling for something you truly don’t want. However, I do suggest being more open-minded. A lot of people I’ve met along the way ended up with someone they never would've thought was their type.
3. The Hater
If you are a woman and hate men, this will be a problem. But if you are a woman and hate other women, this will be an even bigger problem. “I can’t stand other women, they’re too much drama, I’d rather have guy friends” one 29-year-old female client would squeal to me.
Don’t put down your gender, and if you can help it, don’t put down anyone. More often than not, women hate other women. They think other women are competition, and that being feminine is weak, so the obvious then happens: You pose other women as a threat and get jealous when they achieve something that you want. Other women are not your competition. YOU are your competition.
The easy solution for women to this problem is to love being a woman because hating it or hating on other women doesn’t change it (unless you get an operation!) Like what you want or appreciate what you have rather than hating what you have and worrying about what hasn’t happened yet. Let’s bring back sisterhood!
4.The RBF Woman
A lot of women I've come across are convinced that "playing hard to get" means acting like a bitch. Unfortunately, when you think or act this way, you start to look this way. Enter: “Resting Bitch Face”. RBF as it is jokingly called, is kind of a big problem in the arena of meeting and dating and is easily recognizable by the hallmark sneer on a woman’s face.
A few months ago I had a model quality client with gorgeous brunette locks who was impossible to get a smile from. She suffered from RBF. The funniest part about this client is that she was convinced she needed to dye her hair blonde. “Are you nuts! Your hair is amazing, please don’t touch it!” I wailed. “But I think guys would like me better if I was blonde” she quipped. No, guys would like you better if you didn't look like you wanted to rip their face off.
I preach to female clients that scowling is the real life version of “The Club” - you know that anti-theft device you put on a steering wheel to deter thefts. Just as a thief knows he could probably get The Club off, he’d rather move onto a car that doesn’t have that obstacle. Women’s RBF works the same way. Even if a guy knows he can disarm you, it’s easier for him to move to a girl who doesn’t look like she’d be so difficult. Simple solution: smile more, scowl less.
5.The "Emotionally Unavailable Guy" Magnet
One thing that is true for men and women across the board is this: Unavailability makes someone more attractive. I wish this wasn’t the case, but I see it too much not to believe it. It’s usually a case of “I think he likes me but he’s really busy so we don't really hangout that much” or "I'm not really sure what his deal is, he's really hot and cold". Whether it’s a guy straight off of a break-up; the guy that wants to “focus on his career”; or the guy that doesn't have the "emotional bandwidth," there really is something to be said about timing. I’ve found that if a guy isn’t really making time for you, or he is doing a half-assed job of incorporating you into his life, as much as he might think you’re wonderful, the old saying remains true: he’s just not that into you.
The most heartbreaking scenarios are when women “hang in there” in the hopes that if they give it enough time, it will change. In some cases it does, but in most it doesn’t. The honest to God truth is that when a man wants to be with a woman, he will move mountains and go out of his way to make it happen. I once dated a guy that was willing to travel five hours, just to see me for one!
So the bottom line is this: If someone doesn’t meet your top three relationship needs, then it’s probably not going to work. Picture a tripod - it won’t stand if one of the legs is broken. Relationships are no different. Be honest with yourself.